I understand what you're talking about Siguard. Anytime I would get really argumentative with my parents and challenge something they said, they would often make some sort of violent gesture at me. Nowadays I tend to be more tactful with my criticisms regarding them or I just don't say anything. Discounting my views and ideas frequently also made me quite upset with them. This created a lot of anger and resentment in me. Sometimes my frustration with their parenting would boil over to the point where I would tell them quite point-blank that I didn't think they were good or great parents. Of course, this always resulted in them being offended and making what could likely be accurately described as "guilt trip" comments. They would typically say something like, well hey we don't beat you, or, if we're so terrible, how come we give you food and a place to live in. It's true that they've provided for my basic biological needs but they have significantly failed to connect emotionally to me in a way that was meaningful and lasting. I can't be confidently open with them because they're too protective controlling, that is, they "know what's better for me." If my mother knew I was a Spiritual Satanist, I'm sure that she would be relentlessly trying to reconvert me to xianity.
Having my mother trying to "save me" would be a bad thing for me because in fact, as of now I'm not even on my own yet. Sound clingy? I don't blame you if you think they are! I'm also studying for a degree online that I can't say I'm truly interested in field-wise. This has been at least moderately due to parental pressure. "I'm good at it." I am however tolerating it at the present moment because I think the degree could be useful for a future career. The way my parents have acted towards me, I have to seriously wonder though if they might deny me an independent living. I have no intent to live with them though. If after going through with my education they refuse to allow me to move out, I will take matters into my own hands. I will leave without their permission or knowledge and without their knowing of my whereabouts. I have looked into it and there is no law against adult runaways. If I left a note notifying them of my leave, they wouldn't even be able to report me as missing. If they did, they would be lying to the police. Even if they hired a private detective and he found me, he would be under a legal obligation to not disclose my location without my consent! Not only would they not be able to stop me but it would also be fairly easy to do. Just pack some stuff, grab a bus ticket out of town, get an apartment or room, get a job, and then boom, freedom! On top of all that, I'd be able to practice Spiritual Satanism freely with nobody being the wiser! You'd be right in thinking that I've relished the idea a few times! Though it might look like it, I don't see the concept as avoiding my problems. If I want to be independent and left alone, I have every right to! For freaking out loud, I'm 21!
I know from personal experience as well that bad parenting can play a major role in depression. At one point, I was so extremely depressed that I actually sought the help of an online psychic healer. I felt "kind of dead inside" as I described it to here. Although perhaps a little right-hand path minded, she appeared to be quite helpful in alleviating my emotional pain and I regained a reinvigorated fighting spirit as time went on. My parents undoubtedly were not there for me as a youngster and they even went so far as to verbally abuse me in at least a few cases I can think of. I almost always verbally abused myself in response just to make them stop. Looking back, I can't help but find it disconcerting. Verbal abuse towards your children is absolutely uncalled for as far as I'm concerned! It's things like this which created inner wounds that stayed with me until I got help.
By the way, I bet you'd be a good mother Allison! I kind of used to think that I didn't really want to be "dragged down" as a father family figure but I've become really open to that sort of life! I definitely think if the right lady came along, she could charm me into being her cherished man! Also, this might be kind of unusual for a man, but I think I'd love to have a daughter! I've always held a fondness for the feminine gender! Even when I was in Kindergarten, I just adored girls and women! I actually had a bit of an Elementary sweetheart before I moved away from her! Yeah, that's a nice memory. I still remember her name too!
In any case, you all are my real family! I wouldn't feel ashamed to associate myself with any of you!
