jrvan said:
It's kind of funny, actually. I thought I might be harassed here on the forums if people thought of me as female, so I deliberately put on an act for the first few months after I joined to try to come across as male, and only dropped it and revealed what I consider myself to be after I concluded that women are respected here too. But in hindsight, maybe there wasn't a need to put on an act at all, if that's how my Soul looks to the three of you anyway. For some reason, my fiancé thinks I look completely female astrally though, which is also what I feel physically during astral sex. Perhaps people just see what they want to see, or what makes the most sense to them?
That said, I do have to agree that I've also often believed myself to be male, despite my intentions and preferences; even one of the therapists I spoke with was hesitant about diagnosing me, since I seemed to her more like a male that wanted to be female than someone who was naturally that way inside. And going by what I remember, I was male in all of my lives after all, apart from one.
As for that one lifetime, if I even remember it correctly, perhaps it was due to what happened in the lifetime before that, or perhaps my accumulated efforts in other lifetimes, but either way, I reincarnated into a female body. And I remember that I felt so incredibly weak, and powerless, and violated, and humiliated. Perhaps that's when I realised, somewhere in my higher consciousness, that by becoming female, I had only made myself even more vulnerable to abuse than I was before. So I desperately wished to become a man again, so that I'd have the strength to kill them all, rip their flesh apart with my bare hands, and crush their skulls.
I don't remember anything about the lifetime after that, which would be the one before this one; but I do realise by now that no matter how many people I were to kill, it would never fulfil me, and only make the void inside me grow deeper. If being female meant to be helplessly abused, and being male meant to murder endlessly, then I had no idea what I was supposed to be anymore. Having loosened the screws on my blueprint so that I can control this aspect of my reincarnation, but having no idea what I even want to be, is it really even a surprise that I ended up in a body that's genetically slightly in-between?
Stories like that are rather inconsequential, as it's not like they can be physically confirmed anyway. Even if I asked for a sign, I could just manifest one myself, so that'd be meaningless too. But I felt like sharing it anyway, since it rings so very true with the inexplicable feelings that feel like as though they've been buried deep inside of my being since before I was born.
When I was little, I never lost a fight. Despite my lack of visible muscle, my punches sent kids who were taller than me flying away several meters. Oh, how I loved beating up bullies. After all, if they believe it's good to pick on the weak, then surely it's perfectly fine with them if I punch them for the pathetic weaklings they themselves are, right? Aren't they just asking for it, really, if that's their logic? Hahahaha. I suppose at least my wish to be strong came true. And now I have a strong partner who can protect me too if needed.
Anyway, I'll stop ranting and address the points you brought up.
The Gods aren't heading here just so that we can sit around helplessly doing nothing and wait to be saved. We are to save ourselves, and that also involves working on improving our lives and prospering materially. I'm not going to wait for someone's prophecy to come true when there's a practical, realistic and certain way to make progress towards my dream right here on Earth. But I suppose I did hear my Guardian's voice clearly in my mind when I asked Her about it: "If you still need our help by the time we arrive, we'll help you."
Sometimes I feel as though She's worried about me, and I suppose that makes sense. The surgery is very intensive, and it takes a long time to recover from it, and I would be rather vulnerable during that time, both physically and otherwise. She said to me that if this is really what I want, then She will watch over me during my recovery... but I feel bad to rely on Her when it's my own reckless decision, so I've done workings to ensure it'll all go well, and intend to put more in place before I go through with it, just for good measure.
There would also be extensive damage to my Soul, but it's nothing I can't repair. Breaking and repairing myself is just one of the many ways available to me to transform my being into something that suits me better, and I have faith that even if I accidentally damage the sacred "blueprint" that leads to Godhood, I can manage to repair it and make it possible to succeed regardless, especially with divine guidance. But if I put it like that, I think you guys might be right that I have discarded reason. I really might be insane after all. But I have been for a very long time, truly. If you really wanted to save me, maybe you should've reached out to me a few centuries ago? Although even then, the situation was already so bleak that there was nothing that could be done.
That said, it's nothing that would make me misaligned with the rest of my being though; rather the contrary. After all, I already did that, right? Perhaps not consciously, but definitely intentionally. How else could I be able to experience things astrally the way I do, and why do you think my dick physically feels like it's inside out? Clearly, I must've already performed "surgery" on my Soul a long time ago, and despite the fulfilment I got out of it, it's already causing problems. My male genitalia became unusable, and it feels as though the discrepancy between my bodies is generating a dissonance that holds me back in my spiritual growth. So really, having physical surgery is just the next step to make things align again, so that I can resonate more strongly and progress further. Isn't that crazy?
It sounds really fucking insane to me, but I also know that it is, in fact, true. And the truth is all that matters when it comes down to it. That's right... the ends justify the means.
This entire mess could surely have been prevented. Then, why am I so glad that it wasn't? I often think to myself: "What a time to be alive, that something like this is even possible." Forcing myself into a situation where it seems as though changing what I am on every level of existence is the only sane and viable solution, is really what I wanted all along, isn't it? After all, how else could I ever have the unyielding determination needed to make sure that I'll eventually succeed in fulfilling a dream that is called "impossible"?
I've been walking a narrow path, and now, I'm right in the middle. I can hear all of you yelling at me to turn back since it's dangerous. But I know that if I changed my mind now, all of my determination would slip away, and I would slip and fall into the abyss as I falter, lost forever as I would be too lost and broken to have the will to live anymore, let alone ever achieve Godhood.
The only way for me to survive this, is to keep facing forward and keep walking slowly and steadily, careful not to lose my balance. Whenever I find a shortcut along the way, I should and
must take it, as the sooner I'll make it to the other side, the sooner I'll be safe.
I'm sorry that I made Tabby cry by being like this. I suppose I cry too sometimes, although it's usually about a bunch of nonsense like feeling like it's unfair that I have to go through so much just to have sex the way I want to when half the people are born female to begin with, or about the surgery date being so far away still due to the schedule being tight. I think it's nonsensical to cry about such things, since I should really be happy that I get to do these things at all; that there is a way for me to make my dream come true at all. As for her, she cried because it got to the point where I want these things at all, right?
I won't turn back or stop moving forward. All I can really promise is that I'll be careful not to fall, despite the circumstances.
I naively thought that perhaps in a few years, I could just let everyone know how well it went, and then everyone who genuinely worried about me would surely feel relieved. But now, I think that people would probably still feel sour about what I put myself through, even if it really does make me happier, and solves the issues with energetic dissonance so that I can empower myself more effectively. It would be foolish to expect anyone to cheer me on, or even be happy for me, under these circumstances.
But lately I'm making peace with it. I can be happy for myself. My partner and my parents can be happy for me. Perhaps even my Guardian will be happy for me too, if I really do make it through all of this safely.
But the first one out of those... Being happy for myself. I think that's the one that truly matters the most after all. And I am, and will be.
Hail Satan!
![Voice of Enki [SG]](/data/avatars/m/0/84.jpg?1705131368){kind=avatar}
![Persephone [NG]](/data/avatars/s/77/77588.jpg?1769251666){kind=avatar}
